Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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