I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
