I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
