She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
