You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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