I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Pants are for mortals
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
