You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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