she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
