The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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