I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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