I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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