Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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