Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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