I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize