It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize