you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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