Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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