So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize