The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize