she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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