I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
