Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
