Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
