Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
a search helicopter?!
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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