First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
