My Higher Power is John Stamos
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
