remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
