I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
