had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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