I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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