My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
