I think im going to throw up on grandma
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
