Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
