I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
