This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
