I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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