how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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