It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I will pee on everything he values.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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