There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If that was your dad, he is hot
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
