eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
