i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
