I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
