Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
