i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
