Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
