I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
