I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i out mim tonsoeep
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
