and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
