fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
