I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
