remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
