my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
