i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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