Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
