Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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