from now on my penis is your penis
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You left your phone here
Wait...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
