Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
