Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
